Stay Safe, Stay Vigilant: Identify and Avoid Theater Kids for Your Safety

There is a theater kid epidemic at Lawrenceville, and it’s spreading faster than anyone can imagine. The disease has been linked to high caffeine dependency, the inability to speak about a topic other than theater, and even schizophrenic tendencies—the worst cases have been known to develop imaginary situations and characters, spending hundreds of hours re-enacting these scenarios with their fellow infected theater kids. If you encounter one of them, you are at high risk of catching their infection. Fear not, however, as we have created a detailed guide on the best ways to identify and avoid such subjects. 

Mimie Pinpakornkul ’25 explained that one should be especially watchful of techies, who are significantly more prominent than actors. You can spot them dressed in  “all black, all day, afraid of sunlight…a vibe I’d try to avoid” she described with terror in her eyes, adding that “some may have an obsession with Twizzlers.” Speaking from experience, she warned students to “beware the techie,” as “they may have flashlights and they are not afraid to shine them directly at your eyeballs.” 

Unfortunately, it’s incredibly difficult to decipher who you should avoid in the wild, with Periwig’s Janitor on Stage Kingsley Du ’26 commenting that “[techies are] solitary creatures that are mostly nocturnal.” Not to be confused with the varsity football team, Du elaborated that the techies “exclusively roam around in packs.” These theater kids infest your classrooms, houses, and—on a rare occasion—your sports. Although the investigation process was incredibly hazardous, we have accumulated a guide on how to point out theater kids in the wild to keep yourself safe and healthy. 

The simplest way to identify a theater kid is by observing their energy. Do you have a major assessment in every single one of your classes for the next week? Do you have a morning lift that just ruined your day? Did your head of house just announce a Saturday night house detention in Tsai? Instead of letting these tragedies get in the way of your work, take a look around—if any of your peers look a little too excited to be there, or repeatedly make jokes in order to lighten the situation, chances are, they’re a theater kid. Stay clear of them.

Another way to identify who has been infected with the Periwig virus is through its infamous tech weeks. It’s as scary as it sounds. Think: is there a performance coming up over the weekend? Winterfest? The Fall Musical? Freshman Shakespeare? The week leading up to these weekends is detrimental to theater kids but incredibly helpful to you—they drain Periwig’s energy, slowing the bacterial spread and making members easily identifiable. On these weeks, if you spot a friend chugging abnormal amounts of caffeine, asking for egregious extensions, or muttering strange stage cues under their breath, they have more than likely been infected. 

However dangerous, the third method is one of the most effective: asking. If you ask your peers, “Are you a theater kid?” their response reveals their state of infection. If they sound confused or amused, they are most likely healthy. Theater kids respond one of two ways: completely accept their identity or deny it with their life. For example, Anton Popowitz ’26, an infamous underground lighting designer and technician, responded that he had “no clue how to spot a theater kid in the wild,” despite spending his scattered free time exclusively with them. However, Mihajlo Gajic ’26, a school-renowned lacrosse player, appeared confused and asked “What’s a theater kid again?” when we asked, proving the effectiveness of this method.

There seems to be one common symptom: singing. The most prominent symptom of ‘theater-kid-ism’ is the delusional confidence in their own voice. Dorothy Lee ’26 reports that “they will just start singing in the most random moments” Lee then began to belt out “Defying Gravity,” which caused us to terminate the interview early to preserve our own safety as reporters. Despite their enthusiasm, less than 25% of the Periwig members can sing tunes tolerable to the ear. Gajic, traumatized by an encounter with a theater kid in his youth, described that they “can be identified by their distinct music preferences” such as “Waving Through A Window” from Dear Evan Hansen or “Omigod You Guys” from Legally Blonde. 

When exposed, it is incredibly difficult to reverse the torturous symptoms of the illness, but if you steer clear of the KAC, keep yourself hydrated, and avoid listening to Hamilton, you may save yourself. Stay safe out there during this tumultuous time, folks. And remember: if you know of two friends who met through Periwig and requested to write an article about theater together, then they are, without question, theater kids…