Hookup Culture and Existentialism

As the temperature drops in steep increments, I opt for a hot matcha latte instead of my usual iced Americano. Growing up, sweaters, pumpkin spice, warmer drinks, and rom-coms were the hallmarks of a cozy fall. Yet, as I was wrapped under heavy blankets and thirty minutes into When Harry Met Sally, I felt an overwhelming sense of isolation. Unbeknownst to me, the modern loneliness I felt in that moment is a universal experience, one which is exploited by the entertainment industry and exacerbated by hookup culture—a social convention that encourages casual, non-committal relationships.  

Societal conventions condition us to fear emotional connection while seeking intimacy. Take Netflix’s newest season of the dating show Too Hot to Handle as an example: 16 individuals convene at an island resort to find genuine emotional connection. The task was simple, yet none of the contestants succeeded. Despite their magnetic on-screen chemistry, and inability to refrain from physical intimacy, all of the participants failed to maintain meaningful emotional connections amongst themselves both on air and after production wrapped. Contrary to the premise of the show, the show glorifies casual flings absent from emotional intimacy over sustainable relationships.  Even the term used by Gen Z to qualify the casual relationships borne of avoiding true emotional connections, “hookup culture,” inherently undermines the gravity and responsibility attached to intimacy of any degree.  Adjacent concepts such as situationships, icks and ghosting are part of the wide array of vocabulary that justifies the modern pandemic of emotional unavailability Gen Z likes to qualify as trivial “commitment issues.”

Many social media stars are quick to blame our generation’s inability to explore real emotional connections to work culture, where younger people prioritzie financial or career goals over their love lives. “Our dating culture today is very chaotic and confusing… [Gen Zers] just live this… busy lifestyle, and I think we’ve kind of adapted dating the match that,” said Amanda Huhman, who gained over eight million views on TikTok for “vlogging” her 1-year situationship. Yet, this line of reasoning falls flat on its face: As people often do when their priorities shift, we could easily allocate our attention from excessive social media usage to fostering healthy relationships if we put intentional efforts into bettering our relationships.  However, these assumptions do not tell the full story: At the heart of the rise of "hookup culture," "situationships," and other terms characterizing casual relationships lies a deeper issue: the existential struggles faced by Gen Z.

Existentialism— a philosophical framework rejecting the idea that humans have predisposed meanings and fates— emerged after World War II when many, having witnessed the horrid events of WWII, were forced to confront the human condition and the anxiety-provoking givens of death,  and meaninglessness. Yet, existentialists do not deem everything meaningless. While purpose, an external overarching motive, does not exist, significance, on the other hand, is something we can find internally. Existentialism argues existence precedes essence, suggesting actions lack inherent real purpose; we are but creatures seeking purpose amidst the solitude of human existence. Jean Paul Satre captures this sentiment in Being and Nothingness, an essentialist bible, describing humans as beings “condemned to be free,” a freedom synonymous to a lack of purpose. 

Existentialism found a foothold  in general society  during the COVID-19 pandemic : Mattia Vacchiano, lecturer at the University of Sociology explains that this “traumatic global event” triggered “deeper existential threats… giving rise to feelings of purposelessness and diminished sense of life.” Isolation played a huge role in prompting people to excessively reexamine their individual identities. Perhaps, in our existentialist, self-absorbed chases for individual meaning, we forget that a society is innately interdependent. Individual identities, after all, are deeply rooted in communal and collective goals. Our senses of identity typically revolve around the duty we feel to the peoples and places that raise us. We are like bees of a colony, each seeking purpose while remaining unaware that our distinct paths to self actualization depend on those who we assemble our hives with. 

At first glance, hook-up culture and a generational existential crisis may seem completely unrelated, but the two notions are birds of the same feather. Our preference of hook-up culture over long term relationships is rooted in our belief that there is a lack of innate value that exists within the context of a relationship. We prize instantaneous gratification and underestimate the significance of spiritual unions. Thus, we treat dating as a process of trial-and-error, weigh potential matches through thorough cost-benefit analysis, and treat love as a labeled commodity instead of a compact that requires devotion and nourishment to flourish. In Too Hot to Handle, contestant Charlie Jeer gave up his relationship with Lucy Syed within three days after their initial mutual physical attraction because Jeer felt “disconnected.” We’re afraid of commitment, of the idea that trying to trust another person, we are becoming fragile, so we stop trying. We assume that because a connection didn’t miraculously appear between two individuals, something is not meant to be. In confusing purpose with significance, we discount how meaningful relationships require devotion and effort. We assume love, like purpose, already exists at the beginning of a worthwhile relationship, instead of understanding relationships, much like significance, we can create through devoting ourselves to others. The relative significance one individual is to another is directly correlated to the amount of time the two had spent getting to know each other, and the depth of their connection. Interpersonal bonds do not burst out of thin air just as earth did not emerge from nothingness. If we want fulfilling relationships, we have to work to build them. 

Even under the philosophy of existentialism, we, as people, have the ability to lead meaningful lives. In fact, the pillars of existentialism still allow us to  assign meaning: attributing purpose to things which we deem significance.After all, we are the masters of our own livelihood and the governors of our own destiny. While there is a 1 in 8 billion chance that we may cross paths, neither luck nor faith drew you to read this issue. By reflecting upon the words on this page, you are attributing my words with meaning. Likewise, the active commitment to pursue and sustain a romantic relationship will assign our relationships with purpose. By actively engaging with your community rather than passively subsisting, you are infusing your world with the purpose you so dearly seek.