The Real Reason The Lawrence Is Disbanding

          After nearly a century and half of weekly publication, the 143rd Board has unanimously voted to dissolve The Lawrence. The decision has been made after heavy consultation with both faculty advisors and the Board of Trustees.

          A thorough audit led by the Board of Trustees and the outside consulting firm McKinsey & Company over the past six months revealed the unsustainability of the paper’s continued operation. Various costs associated with snacks and beverages offered to the Board without charge—including imported beluga caviar served with crème fraiche and freshly juiced apple cider from Terhune Orchards, delivered to the office three times a day—contributed to the dire financial future of the publication. McKinsey & Company also exposed, in their 50-page report, the establishment of “proxy” clubs by Board members who then embezzled the $30 annual club budgets to fund the Board’s weekly amenities. Such clubs included the Paleontology, Dendrochronology, and Audiology Club (PDA), the “Mice-On-Ice” salsa dance troupe (MOIST), and the Lawrenceville Literary Magazine (“The Lit”). These clubs have since been stricken from the Official Club List. According to calculations by McKinsey & Company’s consultants, the net financial loss from The Lawrence’s fraudulent activities amounted to $10,000, nearly an eighth of Lawrenceville’s boarding tuition. 

          Upon reading the 50 page report, Lawrenceville’s student-run Council for Oversight, Responsibility, and Reform in the Use of Private Treasures (CORRUPT) began its own investigation. The council alleges that the Board only printed 30 copies of each issue instead of the prescribed 300. As instructed by the publication’s Upper Management, newly-printed copies were purposefully stacked on previously published issues in common distribution sites across campus. This hypothesis was corroborated by the fact that, underneath a stack of recent issues in Woods Memorial Hall, investigators uncovered editions dating back to 1971. The remaining printing funds would be used to cater The Lawrence’s lavish feeds.

          A recent in-depth analysis conducted by the School’s financial department has uncovered troubling costs surrounding the Board’s extravagant catering each Thursday night before Friday publications. Declaring The Lawrence an “eating club,” McKinsey & Company uncovered numerous receipts associated with publication. A specific incident on December 7, 2023 involved the rental of 14 Italian truffle pigs, which the Board allegedly used to scavenge for winter black truffles in the Bowl before returning the animals to a catering event led by Michelin-star chef Daniel Bouloud.

          Further outlined in the report, McKinsey & Consultants received tips from anonymous sources detailing how members of the Board spread illicit rumors to generate hot-topic articles. Last weekend, Opinions Editor Garrett Heffern ’24 was observed explaining to impressionable IInd formers that Lawrenceville would soon be “anti-coeducating” during an “all-nighter Lawrence interest meeting” which took place from 11:00 PM to 5:00 AM. In addition, the School has received credible information that Features Editor William Wang ’24 supported students boycotting in support of Sunday classes—an event on which the paper has recently published commentary—both “financially and emotionally.”

          In response to these recent developments, the 143rd Board issued the following statement: Neither the School’s recent allegations nor McKinsey & Company’s report have had any bearing on the Board’s decision to dissolve The Lawrence. The Lawrence strongly denies all allegations of wrongdoing or embezzlement. The Board voted to dissolve The Lawrence purely to facilitate tri-weekly trips to the local SkyZone Trampoline Park, hoping to promote journeys of creativity and self-discovery in response to the emotional distress associated with recent allegations made against the Board.

          McKinsey & Company planted hidden audio recorders inside the Lawrence office’s air-conditioning machines in order to obtain the following transcripts:

          WILLIAM WANG ’24: [REDACTED], this [REDACTED] seems pretty [REDACTED] bad!

          LUKE PARK ’24: What that paragraph really needs is a quick pivot, like–

          SABRINA OTTAWAY ’25: Wait, wait, I have an idea!

          ARYA VISHWAKARMA ’25: There are only four people in the office…we can all hear you, Sabrina.

          OTTAWAY: If we dissolve The Lawrence, the seniors won’t have to work anymore.

          WANG: I like that.

          OTTAWAY: Then, next year, our grade can “restart” the “dead,” “historic” school newspaper. It’s a pretty sweet deal college-application-wise, don't you think? And then the finance kids could come in and say something about bringing The Lawrence’s funding back and financial solvency or whatever, and the CS kids could redesign the website for the 14th time.

          When McKinsey & Company’s consultants attempted to interview Executive Editor Luke Park ’24 about his involvement in the above conversation, he simply emailed the following: “lol.” Park issued no further report.