Lawrenceville Revolutionizes Scheduling: The Future is Awake.

The following article is NOT satire and should be taken very seriously, as it is the honest to god truth.

          This Winter Term, Head of School Stephen Murray H’54 ’55 ’65 ’16 P’16 ’21 shared the School’s new “strategic plan” centered on student wellness with the student body. Students can thank this project for a plethora of new changes coming to the School, from slight, minor adjustments to the School schedule to new gathering spaces on campus. 

          However, one big concern has remained unaddressed until very recently. Lawrenceville students’ most intense craving is for more free time: the opportunity to connect with our friends, pursue our passions, get ahead on our work, or even simply be alone and relax for a bit. In this groundbreaking new shift for the Lawrenceville School, students have successfully petitioned for their most visionary idea to date: sleeping less.

          Given that this change was broadcast to the student body just a couple hours ago, we have yet to see these new approaches revitalize our campus. However, even on such short notice, writers at The Lawrence were able to quickly gather our community’s thoughts: one Lawrentian who has been vocal about the new changes is Claire Jiang ’24. Jiang invited writers for The Lawrence to an all-hands meeting starting at 11:00 PM, during which she locked the doors and spent three hours “outlining her vision” for “the future of The Lawrence.” In an interview from the same night (morning?), when asked to address the no-sleep Principal Expectation, Jiang noted that “productivity at The Lawrence has really picked up. Instead of averaging 10.2 errors in every printing, we now average 32.1! That’s almost a 400 percent increase,” before screaming at a freshman for ordering her a “pumpkin spice latte” instead of a “pumpkin-spice infused latte”. One News Associate was not as thrilled. When questioned about the new guidelines, she lamented her “duping and imprisonment,” telling The Lawrence, “I only do this so I can check boxes on my college apps. I did not sign up to have a sleepover in the Lawrence office.” We asked Lawrence Faculty Advisor Mrs. Buckles when we would be allowed to return to our dorms and homes. She could not be reached for a comment. We did, however, receive an automated reply telling us that she would respond at 7:00 AM, when she usually wakes up. (Help us.)

          Some Lawrenceville alumni have shown support for the students’ recent genius. One trustee told The Lawrence that he was “proud of the work the School has done” before immediately segueing into a story about how “the boys of Lawrenceville used to sleep until 3:00 PM,” going on to tell us he “[loves] the work you student journalists put in! It is so great that the school has accepted more students that look like you” and that back in his day “we only accepted white men.” According to the School, the new changes are supposed to boost productivity and help students reclaim “wasted time.” As eloquently described in the official announcement, “Sleep is for the weak. The future is wide awake.”